I am trying to keep up to date on a family blog, as this one has turned into a blog just about me.
The web address is-
www.3ringcircus-hangz.blogspot.com
I will try to update this one as well with personal happenings.....but......I have not been good at doing it so far. BIG SUPRISE!!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Taking a second look at past life choices
I had my grandmother over for dinner tonight. Big deal right? People have their Grandma's over for dinner all the time, right? Well, not me. My paternal Grandmother is 82 years old, and I have barely had any contact with her in the last 16 years.
There is something very eye opening about staring at a human being whom you remember being so strong minded and stubborn, turn into a fragile person who can no longer walk well, see well or hear well. I have come to regret some choices I have made in my life, simply by seeing her tonight. She is a basic stranger to my children, I hardly ever talk about her to them. When they saw her, I had to explain who she was to them. The last 16 years have not been kind to her. She is so frail. It is bizarre to me how I can take so much pride in being a loving caring person, a person willing to bend over backwards to help a family member, a friend, or even a stranger if needed. But there is something about me that kept this past relationship with her so far off in my distant memory, that there were very few times I remembered the actual good times I had in my life, and allowed myself to focus on the negative thoughts I have carried for so many years.
Who the fuck am I to sit back and judge her for her life choices? I have never dealt with the struggles that she has been presented with. I have not seen life through her eyes. I have not shared in her misery, nor her joy. I have simply refused to be compassionate and decided to live my life in ignorance.
I learned that there is way more to my personality that needs a second look. I need to look at others that I do not have tolerance for, and see how my own inability to love others has made me a person I am ashamed of being.
I also learned that if I had half of the integrity my father had for standing by his family, always looking out for their best interest, and giving my whole self to others more unfortunate, I would and could finally be a person that can look into the mirror and be proud of the person starring back at her.
There is something very eye opening about staring at a human being whom you remember being so strong minded and stubborn, turn into a fragile person who can no longer walk well, see well or hear well. I have come to regret some choices I have made in my life, simply by seeing her tonight. She is a basic stranger to my children, I hardly ever talk about her to them. When they saw her, I had to explain who she was to them. The last 16 years have not been kind to her. She is so frail. It is bizarre to me how I can take so much pride in being a loving caring person, a person willing to bend over backwards to help a family member, a friend, or even a stranger if needed. But there is something about me that kept this past relationship with her so far off in my distant memory, that there were very few times I remembered the actual good times I had in my life, and allowed myself to focus on the negative thoughts I have carried for so many years.
Who the fuck am I to sit back and judge her for her life choices? I have never dealt with the struggles that she has been presented with. I have not seen life through her eyes. I have not shared in her misery, nor her joy. I have simply refused to be compassionate and decided to live my life in ignorance.
I learned that there is way more to my personality that needs a second look. I need to look at others that I do not have tolerance for, and see how my own inability to love others has made me a person I am ashamed of being.
I also learned that if I had half of the integrity my father had for standing by his family, always looking out for their best interest, and giving my whole self to others more unfortunate, I would and could finally be a person that can look into the mirror and be proud of the person starring back at her.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Path of self discovery....Take 1
School-
Ahhhhh......my mind is racing constantly, trying to find the best option for me. I have enrolled in school, but have already dropped one class. I am really beginning to think that the only option for me is to take online classes. I can not believe the programs available for online universities. It give me the hope back that I have been lacking. The only draw back is the COST! Holy shit, it is expensive! I am willing to do it though if it brings me what I want. I can not express the lack of self worth I have for not finishing college. I have a child getting ready to go to college in two short years, and here I am, trying to go back.
This is one small portion of the journey in finding myself again. I am going to be such a kick ass person once this is over......I can't wait!!
(And don't worry, I am not turning into some whiney ass pussy girl, I am still going to be the same hard core, bacon lovin', rum drinkin' bitch I have always been, just the 'New and Improved' version!)
Ahhhhh......my mind is racing constantly, trying to find the best option for me. I have enrolled in school, but have already dropped one class. I am really beginning to think that the only option for me is to take online classes. I can not believe the programs available for online universities. It give me the hope back that I have been lacking. The only draw back is the COST! Holy shit, it is expensive! I am willing to do it though if it brings me what I want. I can not express the lack of self worth I have for not finishing college. I have a child getting ready to go to college in two short years, and here I am, trying to go back.
This is one small portion of the journey in finding myself again. I am going to be such a kick ass person once this is over......I can't wait!!
(And don't worry, I am not turning into some whiney ass pussy girl, I am still going to be the same hard core, bacon lovin', rum drinkin' bitch I have always been, just the 'New and Improved' version!)
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Don't give up on me!!
I have missed writing. I have let the craziness of life interfere with the one thing I can do to release, or just spend time alone writing. I know I don't do much of it, especially here anymore, but don't give up on me. I plan to reorganize my thoughts and smack them down right in your faces, here for you all to see!
2009 is going to be an exciting year for me. I have gone back to college, well, registered, I start next week. I am on a journey to improve all things about myself I do not like. By the end of this year, I will be a new Heather....or shall I say, just the old Heather .......that even I have missed.
Stay tuned, I am about to rock your socks!
2009 is going to be an exciting year for me. I have gone back to college, well, registered, I start next week. I am on a journey to improve all things about myself I do not like. By the end of this year, I will be a new Heather....or shall I say, just the old Heather .......that even I have missed.
Stay tuned, I am about to rock your socks!
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