NEW BLOG

I am trying to keep up to date on a family blog, as this one has turned into a blog just about me.

The web address is-

www.3ringcircus-hangz.blogspot.com

I will try to update this one as well with personal happenings.....but......I have not been good at doing it so far. BIG SUPRISE!!

Me Likey

Taking a second look at past life choices

I had my grandmother over for dinner tonight. Big deal right? People have their Grandma's over for dinner all the time, right? Well, not me. My paternal Grandmother is 82 years old, and I have barely had any contact with her in the last 16 years.

There is something very eye opening about staring at a human being whom you remember being so strong minded and stubborn, turn into a fragile person who can no longer walk well, see well or hear well. I have come to regret some choices I have made in my life, simply by seeing her tonight. She is a basic stranger to my children, I hardly ever talk about her to them. When they saw her, I had to explain who she was to them. The last 16 years have not been kind to her. She is so frail. It is bizarre to me how I can take so much pride in being a loving caring person, a person willing to bend over backwards to help a family member, a friend, or even a stranger if needed. But there is something about me that kept this past relationship with her so far off in my distant memory, that there were very few times I remembered the actual good times I had in my life, and allowed myself to focus on the negative thoughts I have carried for so many years.

Who the fuck am I to sit back and judge her for her life choices? I have never dealt with the struggles that she has been presented with. I have not seen life through her eyes. I have not shared in her misery, nor her joy. I have simply refused to be compassionate and decided to live my life in ignorance.

I learned that there is way more to my personality that needs a second look. I need to look at others that I do not have tolerance for, and see how my own inability to love others has made me a person I am ashamed of being.

I also learned that if I had half of the integrity my father had for standing by his family, always looking out for their best interest, and giving my whole self to others more unfortunate, I would and could finally be a person that can look into the mirror and be proud of the person starring back at her.

Path of self discovery....Take 1

School-

Ahhhhh......my mind is racing constantly, trying to find the best option for me. I have enrolled in school, but have already dropped one class. I am really beginning to think that the only option for me is to take online classes. I can not believe the programs available for online universities. It give me the hope back that I have been lacking. The only draw back is the COST! Holy shit, it is expensive! I am willing to do it though if it brings me what I want. I can not express the lack of self worth I have for not finishing college. I have a child getting ready to go to college in two short years, and here I am, trying to go back.

This is one small portion of the journey in finding myself again. I am going to be such a kick ass person once this is over......I can't wait!!

(And don't worry, I am not turning into some whiney ass pussy girl, I am still going to be the same hard core, bacon lovin', rum drinkin' bitch I have always been, just the 'New and Improved' version!)

Don't give up on me!!

I have missed writing. I have let the craziness of life interfere with the one thing I can do to release, or just spend time alone writing. I know I don't do much of it, especially here anymore, but don't give up on me. I plan to reorganize my thoughts and smack them down right in your faces, here for you all to see!

2009 is going to be an exciting year for me. I have gone back to college, well, registered, I start next week. I am on a journey to improve all things about myself I do not like. By the end of this year, I will be a new Heather....or shall I say, just the old Heather .......that even I have missed.

Stay tuned, I am about to rock your socks!

Party Like A Rock Star

You know you have awesome friends when they are willing to dress up like rock stars and have a rockband night. Here are a few pictures of our crazy night.

For some reason the boys thought it would be funny to try on my shoes and attempt walking around in them. Here is Jason taking on the task. What a sexy beast.

You know your husband loves you when he is willing to wear eyeliner for you.....grrr.....

What the hell?

Nikki and Addie posing for a picture.

Spencer.....this is Spencer. To know Spencer is to love Spencer. He is crazy, essentric and just plain out of control. There is no one that could be more 'out there' than our dear friend.

Again with the shoes!! Here is Spencer displaying his ability to walk in my shoes, or just look like a jackass......you decide! (*note-if you do attempt to watch the video....turn your head to the side......sorry!!)

Noah's annual cardiologist appointment

It has actually been almost two weeks since he saw the cardiologist. Sometime there are things you hear that take you a while to grasp, and memories of what 9 years of having a child with a heart problem have been like. There is no other way to describe it but a roller coaster. You are looking for hope everywhere you look, while being overflowed with information that you are still trying to grasp.

"How did this happen to OUR child?"
"What went wrong, what did I do?"
"What does the future hold?"

There has never been a moment in my life that I considered Noah anything short of a miracle. ALL children are miracles, but Noah has stunned the medical world with his progress. Even at times when I heard the words, "Noah has to go back to surgery.......again", a time when I just wanted scream, "WHY HIM???, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?" He not only overcame everything, he did most of it in record time. Is it possible to forget every surgery your child has gone through? I know I can sit down and write it down, but it is a moment you anticipate, you dread, you look forward to, a moment when they are going to help give your child life, but at the same moment, take him from you loving arms, when you have nothing to do put put all your hope in miracle workers, and sit empty in a waiting room where you actually count down every single minute of the 6-8 hours on the ticking clock. The best way I can describe it is to think of holding your breathe for that long. Even the moment when you see the surgeon enter the door, you sink farther in the hole, until he smiles at you, giving you that instant moment of knowing he made it through surgery. The surgery itself is just one major part of it. Then you still deal with the progress and set backs that come in the ICU. It really never ends, but you take life minute by minute, because that is what you have at the time. Sitting back and looking at those memories, I still can not believe that Gabe and I survived that. It was never easy, but it was a time in my life where I proved I had more courage than I ever thought possible.

Even when he has a doctor appointment scheduled for nothing more than a check up, I feel a sinking pit in my stomach. As he lays in in a dark room, getting an echocardiogram, my mind transforms itself back to watching a small baby laying sedated as I try to read the sonogram machine, like I have any idea what I am looking at. I blink and realize that I am watching an amazing 9 year old boy, who grows and thinks and learns and absorbs every bit of the world around him. He has an amazing future ahead of him, a future that I feared for every minute of his precious life.

Noah is doing amazing. His cardiologist said we could not possibly hope for anything better at this point, in fact, he is doing better than ever could be expected. He is a miracle and has baffled the medical world. He has every bit of confidence that he will grow up to be an old man with grandchildren running around driving him nuts.

That is my son, my Noah.

Did it really happen?

I am ecstatic. I watched history last night, I screamed and danced because I am use to being the loser, the one that came close but did not avail. Yes, I have hope that we can find unity in a country so divided and relief from the current administration. A man with an open mind, who fought a good fight to take on a country during such troubled times.

I live among people without my same point of views. I take great pride in the fact that I stay informed on current events, and am able to block out all the absurd comments and racial point of views around me. I realize that others are just as passionate about their beliefs as I am about mine. I stay clear of arguments, and keep my opinions bottled up as not to upset people I respect. I believe that political point of views shall not come between people, just as religious point of views should not come between people. That is being said from a non-Mormon Democrat from Utah, so how much could my voice be heard? With that said, I must admit that I am so disappointed that times when I felt angry with what I was hearing I sat in silence and stewed over how people and their racial views. I am stunned by how much hatred this election brought out in people. It made me sad. I am glad the election is over.

It is time to move forward people. You just survived 8 years of the worst president in the history of our great country. Open your eyes and your hearts to a man who has overcame a life that has gone through every aspect of what 'living the American dream' consist of.

Disneyland Trip

October is the perfect month to go to Disneyland.

At least for me since Halloween is my all time favorite holiday.

They have the place all decked out.

This is the display they have by City Hall.

Here is my boyfriend Jack. I know, I know, no flash photography in The Pirates of the Caribbean ride.....I couldn't help it, it was like he was ASKING me to take his picture!

More cuteness. These were all around the light posts down Main Street.

The Haunted Mansion was decorated as Nightmare Before Christmas, which in my opinion, they should change to ALWAYS look this way. It was awesome!

I actually started crying on this ride, I was just so happy!

Noah was chosen for the Jedi Training Academy, so he learned to fight like a real Jedi and was able to kick the crap out of all Dark Side Villains. He was so excited!!

The Ladybug ride in Bugs Life land was so cute. All the rides there were adorable.

They make the whole area look as if you are a teeny tiny bug looking up at the world.

Kimberli and Brooklyn on Dumbo.

It was hard to get a picture of Zane where he actually stood still.....

He doesn't look that amused here, but I can assure you, he had the time of his life!!

We were in the 'stunt' teacup for this picture. They were still eating their ice cream on the real ride, which was a sticky mess, but oh well, kids will be kids!

Ashlyn and Zane had a blast playing in the water.

At one point, Zane actually dunked himself in the whole fountain.

Crazy little monkey.

We didn't see everyone in our group while we were there, but keeping twenty people together can be quite a challenge. It was nice to finally catch up with the Wilson clan so the kids could get a chance to play together. The rest of the group went and rode some bigger rides while Carrie and I stayed back and hung out with the little kids.

I did lose Noah at one point when he told me he was bored and wishes he were with his Dad. I said I wish he were to if he was going to complain, then I went to check on Zane. While I was gone, he went over to Carrie and asked for a map and left. I came back to discover Noah had left, and Carrie had no idea what he was up to. I guess he thought he could find his Dad.

After a frantic search, he found his way back to Carrie while I was out searching for him. I know he didn't realize how dangerous it was to take off like that, but I am glad he was okay.

I still wanted to strangle him when I saw him though!

The day we arrived in California, we went to Universal Studios Hollywood. The only thing I really wanted to see was the new Simpson ride and of course, Curious George. I was so happy to see him, all dressed up as a pirate, I didn't stop to think it was probably some 20 year old girl with a monkey costume on watching me run at her going, "Really lady?"

My boys by Sponge Bob. Zane's whole face is being covered by his big ass hand.

It was an amazing vacation, and I cant wait to do it again.

It went by way too fast, but we will be back.....so be prepared, we will be back....

Tags for Fall

Halloween Party
Pumpkin carving
Leaves Changing
Darkness
My Birthday
Elections
Cool Air
Lounge Wear
Football
Hoodies everyday!
Rainboots with skulls
Soup
Lazy Sundays (not anymore though!)

Back to School-2008 Edition

Nikki and Noah started school on August 20th. Nikki is a high school/college student now,

little Miss Smarty Pants!!

Noah started his new school, Entheos Exploratory Academy. So far it is going great, he really loves the atmosphere, however, he is not too stoked about wearing uniforms.....again.

I know, he needs a little bit of a haircut, it is getting a little shaggy on the top.

Ahhh, how did I reach a point in my life when I have a kid in 'high school'? Seriously, she was just born wasn't she?? She is signed up for drivers ed., that just blows my mind. She is also the age Gabe and I were when we met eachother. Life is crazy I tell ya, flat out bananas.

Well, here we go, another reminder that they are getting older.

Carnivals are for 4 year olds!!

We organized a carnival for the youngsters big day. He is amazing, adorable and too perfect for words. It was a crazy festivity, but I think it turned out great. He seemed to enjoy it, but let's face it, he would have enjoyed anything as long as there was frosting to be had.

Yup, four years old already.....

As always, the cake lady made another masterpiece, 4 dozen cupcakes and a two tiered cake complete with cookie animals

Bounce House, it really is all you need to have a good time.

We had face painting, carnival games, a bounce house, a b.b.q. and a cotton candy machine. Thanks to everyone who helped, I would not have been able to manage all the shit I planned with out my many helpers. I would especially like to thank Meg for telling me that while the older kids were making there arms a big cotton candy stick and swirling it in the machine, Addie was in fact making big mounds of the sweet goodness and piling it in a garbage bag and stashing it in the house. She ALMOST got away with it!!

OUCH!!

Here are the results of my bike accident this weekend

that occurred while trying to save some kleenex........don't ask!!

It's my KNEE!!

Fitting In

I have always been protective of Noah because of his heart condition , let's say OVER PROTECTIVE. My biggest fear is something ever happening to him, my next biggest fear is him feeling left out because he can not physically do everything he wants.

I saw him feel left out tonight. I saw a look on his face that broke my heart. The only thing Noah has really ever asked for was to do karate, which his cardiologist said he could not do. After speaking to an instructor at a karate school, he assured me Noah could make a full black belt without ever having contact with anyone, therefore he would be safe. Everything was going great in his class, he has had fun, learned new things and has gained confidence. This was everything karate is suppose to be. Tonight his class began sparring, which is the first time he has ever had it. I wasn't expecting it and neither was Noah. He does not have the gear for it, which I have worried about him feeling left out because of it, but he really does not need it since he will not be fighting. I watched his poor little face turn so sad when the teacher asked them to put their sparring gear on and he had none. He stood on a white star in the middle of the room while everyone else was dismissed. It broke my heart and I began to cry. One of the student teachers asked him why he wasn't sparring and he said, "I can't because of my heart surgery." Again, I cried. Watching him say that made me realize that he will always have these situations in his life, he 'can't'....not wont, not shouldn't....but CAN'T!! I cried more. He looked at the instructor in front of him ready in a sparring stance, him without any protective gear on not sure what was happening, raised his hand in the air and asked if he could use the bathroom. I cried. I asked Gabe to run back there with him to see if he was okay. After awhile of him being away, I ran back there to realize that he was getting sick in the bathroom. I cried. He opens the door with a little tear soaked face and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.

He let me know he was scared someone was going to hurt him, and he hated feeling left out. His instructor met us outside and explained to him that no one was going to hurt him. He felt better after this and seemed very confident going back to class. Once we were home, we talked to him and decided to spend the money on the gear he can wear even though he doesn't need the protection, because the $250.00 it costs is more than worth never seeing that look on his face again.

Lots of Stuff

The Cure in San Diego- amazing! I always have such a surreal feeling when I see them. I loved playing at the beach, just laying in the sun running sand through my fingers without a care in the world. That is until I had to deal with a few work issues, which did not make Gabe very happy.

Indian Food
Bad Hotels behind strip clubs
The Cure
Coronado Island
Condoms in the Elevator
Delayed Flights


Minnesota- I am homesick. Not for Utah, for Minnesota. I have a very strong belief that I will live there. This is not just a feeling of going somewhere and loving it, it is a feeling that it is where I belong. Seeing Katie is always awesome. I love her too death, even though I have no idea why we 'work'. We are both married to the most amazing men on earth. Yes Gabe, if you read this, I acknowledge the fact that you are nothing less that spectacular. I got a new tattoo, which is pretty fucking fantastic while I was there. It was a quick trip, but worth every minute. All 23 of my mosquito bites couldn't even sway me from my love of the land of 10,000 lakes. Adison is totally in love with little Charli Jane, Sean and Katie' daughter.

Waffles with Ice Cream
Tattoo
I Kissed a Girl
Mosquito's
Rum and Coke
Delayed Flights

I am feeling really lost lately. I truly believe it will take a lot for me to find myself again. I guess the most important thing is that 'I do' find myself one day. I want to, I want to live happily again without self doubt and sadness. I have great things in my life, I just need to realize that I deserve them.

The Cure-Salt Lake City

Wow, let me just start off by saying WOW!!

I can associate so many of my life experiences with this single band. The first time I saw The Cure, I was 16 years old. I slept out for tickets downtown, and the whole night was nothing but a massive fucking party. The most significant thing about it at the time, was Gabe and I were together then. We had been going out for about seven months, and I was so in love. When the concert came around, I was pregnant with Adison, although I was not aware for a few weeks later. I had front row seats to that concert, front fucking row to see the most amazing band I have yet to compare anything to.

The second time I saw them, I was a young mother, still with Gabe, and not even close to the person I was just a few years prior to that. I had seventh row seats to that concert.

The thrid time I saw them, I thought for sure they were ending. Their album Bloodflowers had came out, and all the lyrics seemed to me to be about their time coming to an end. I saw them in Las Vegas at The Hard Rock Hotel were there were only a few thousand people allowed in the venue. It was all g/a, so we had to wait outside all day in 112 degree temperatures just to ensure we would be standing as close to the stage as possible. I was with Gabe and my best friend Kim. Noah was just over a year old, and we had been through so much with him at that point. A week later, I saw The Cure in Salt Lake City (5th row), then the next day Kim and I jumped on a plane and saw them in Denver the next night---without Gabe. It was amazing to see them 3 times on that tour.

The sixth time I saw them, I slept out for tickets with Kim and Adison. At this point, there is no need to sleep out for tickets, however, we wanted to have that experience again. I was pregnant with Zane, and my due date was August 18th, the exact date the concert was. I told my doctor either this baby is born, or I go to a concert with him. I was suppose to be on bedrest and had a hard pregnancy, so luckliy I was enduced exactly 1 week before the concert. It was a hard concert to be at, not being fully healed from having Zane, I sat in a suite with my friend Melissa because our tickets were g/a, and I knew I would not hold up the whole night standing in front of the stage. I missed being with Kim during that, and Gabe had given my ticket to Spencer, so I was no were near them. I felt alone without them, but I felt very lucky to get to see them despite everything else.

The seventh time, this last time, was amazing. I felt so alive seeing them, just knowing that even as I have followed this band from my days in middle school, they have followed me through so much as well. I sat in the 11th row with Gabe, the person I was with when I had first seen them 16 years before, my best freind Kim who has always been in my life, she is my rock, my Dad, who is going through radiation therapy right now for cancer, and my daughter Adison. My daughter who is approaching the age I was when I saw them for the first time.

I will be seeing them again on June 3rd in San Diego with Gabe and Kim. I can't wait for that show, I know it will be amazing.

I could go on and on about this all day, but I will end here. Go buy Distinigration if you have never really listened to The Cure. This single album changed my life, and I still find comfort and inspiration from it.

Richard Simmons

Again, click title....

Regarding the fact of Gabe being compared to Richard Simmons.
Gabe's shorts aren't nearly as short, nor is his hair nearly as nice!!

Go watch it!

Click on the blog title.

I think it is awesome, but then again, I am pretty sick!

This is NSFW, so dont do it Mother Trucker!

He's ALL MINE!!

I get my Gabey Baby ALL weekend!

He has been working so much overtime lately, I swear I never get to see him anymore. I plan on reconnecting with a bottle of Sailor Jerry and a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on my bedroom door.

The word of the day is....

DEFEATED

This is the word I can best describe my life right now. I feel completely and utterly defeated in every aspect.

I have a feeling it would be the word that best describes Gabe's feelings toward me as well.