Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The web address is-
I will try to update this one as well with personal happenings.....but......I have not been good at doing it so far. BIG SUPRISE!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
There is something very eye opening about staring at a human being whom you remember being so strong minded and stubborn, turn into a fragile person who can no longer walk well, see well or hear well. I have come to regret some choices I have made in my life, simply by seeing her tonight. She is a basic stranger to my children, I hardly ever talk about her to them. When they saw her, I had to explain who she was to them. The last 16 years have not been kind to her. She is so frail. It is bizarre to me how I can take so much pride in being a loving caring person, a person willing to bend over backwards to help a family member, a friend, or even a stranger if needed. But there is something about me that kept this past relationship with her so far off in my distant memory, that there were very few times I remembered the actual good times I had in my life, and allowed myself to focus on the negative thoughts I have carried for so many years.
Who the fuck am I to sit back and judge her for her life choices? I have never dealt with the struggles that she has been presented with. I have not seen life through her eyes. I have not shared in her misery, nor her joy. I have simply refused to be compassionate and decided to live my life in ignorance.
I learned that there is way more to my personality that needs a second look. I need to look at others that I do not have tolerance for, and see how my own inability to love others has made me a person I am ashamed of being.
I also learned that if I had half of the integrity my father had for standing by his family, always looking out for their best interest, and giving my whole self to others more unfortunate, I would and could finally be a person that can look into the mirror and be proud of the person starring back at her.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Ahhhhh......my mind is racing constantly, trying to find the best option for me. I have enrolled in school, but have already dropped one class. I am really beginning to think that the only option for me is to take online classes. I can not believe the programs available for online universities. It give me the hope back that I have been lacking. The only draw back is the COST! Holy shit, it is expensive! I am willing to do it though if it brings me what I want. I can not express the lack of self worth I have for not finishing college. I have a child getting ready to go to college in two short years, and here I am, trying to go back.
This is one small portion of the journey in finding myself again. I am going to be such a kick ass person once this is over......I can't wait!!
(And don't worry, I am not turning into some whiney ass pussy girl, I am still going to be the same hard core, bacon lovin', rum drinkin' bitch I have always been, just the 'New and Improved' version!)
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
2009 is going to be an exciting year for me. I have gone back to college, well, registered, I start next week. I am on a journey to improve all things about myself I do not like. By the end of this year, I will be a new Heather....or shall I say, just the old Heather .......that even I have missed.
Stay tuned, I am about to rock your socks!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Again with the shoes!! Here is Spencer displaying his ability to walk in my shoes, or just look like a jackass......you decide! (*note-if you do attempt to watch the video....turn your head to the side......sorry!!)
Sunday, November 09, 2008
"How did this happen to OUR child?"
"What went wrong, what did I do?"
"What does the future hold?"
There has never been a moment in my life that I considered Noah anything short of a miracle. ALL children are miracles, but Noah has stunned the medical world with his progress. Even at times when I heard the words, "Noah has to go back to surgery.......again", a time when I just wanted scream, "WHY HIM???, WHY DOES HE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?" He not only overcame everything, he did most of it in record time. Is it possible to forget every surgery your child has gone through? I know I can sit down and write it down, but it is a moment you anticipate, you dread, you look forward to, a moment when they are going to help give your child life, but at the same moment, take him from you loving arms, when you have nothing to do put put all your hope in miracle workers, and sit empty in a waiting room where you actually count down every single minute of the 6-8 hours on the ticking clock. The best way I can describe it is to think of holding your breathe for that long. Even the moment when you see the surgeon enter the door, you sink farther in the hole, until he smiles at you, giving you that instant moment of knowing he made it through surgery. The surgery itself is just one major part of it. Then you still deal with the progress and set backs that come in the ICU. It really never ends, but you take life minute by minute, because that is what you have at the time. Sitting back and looking at those memories, I still can not believe that Gabe and I survived that. It was never easy, but it was a time in my life where I proved I had more courage than I ever thought possible.
Even when he has a doctor appointment scheduled for nothing more than a check up, I feel a sinking pit in my stomach. As he lays in in a dark room, getting an echocardiogram, my mind transforms itself back to watching a small baby laying sedated as I try to read the sonogram machine, like I have any idea what I am looking at. I blink and realize that I am watching an amazing 9 year old boy, who grows and thinks and learns and absorbs every bit of the world around him. He has an amazing future ahead of him, a future that I feared for every minute of his precious life.
Noah is doing amazing. His cardiologist said we could not possibly hope for anything better at this point, in fact, he is doing better than ever could be expected. He is a miracle and has baffled the medical world. He has every bit of confidence that he will grow up to be an old man with grandchildren running around driving him nuts.
That is my son, my Noah.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
I live among people without my same point of views. I take great pride in the fact that I stay informed on current events, and am able to block out all the absurd comments and racial point of views around me. I realize that others are just as passionate about their beliefs as I am about mine. I stay clear of arguments, and keep my opinions bottled up as not to upset people I respect. I believe that political point of views shall not come between people, just as religious point of views should not come between people. That is being said from a non-Mormon Democrat from Utah, so how much could my voice be heard? With that said, I must admit that I am so disappointed that times when I felt angry with what I was hearing I sat in silence and stewed over how people and their racial views. I am stunned by how much hatred this election brought out in people. It made me sad. I am glad the election is over.
It is time to move forward people. You just survived 8 years of the worst president in the history of our great country. Open your eyes and your hearts to a man who has overcame a life that has gone through every aspect of what 'living the American dream' consist of.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
More cuteness. These were all around the light posts down Main Street.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ahhh, how did I reach a point in my life when I have a kid in 'high school'? Seriously, she was just born wasn't she?? She is signed up for drivers ed., that just blows my mind. She is also the age Gabe and I were when we met eachother. Life is crazy I tell ya, flat out bananas.
Well, here we go, another reminder that they are getting older.
As always, the cake lady made another masterpiece, 4 dozen cupcakes and a two tiered cake complete with cookie animals
Bounce House, it really is all you need to have a good time.
We had face painting, carnival games, a bounce house, a b.b.q. and a cotton candy machine. Thanks to everyone who helped, I would not have been able to manage all the shit I planned with out my many helpers. I would especially like to thank Meg for telling me that while the older kids were making there arms a big cotton candy stick and swirling it in the machine, Addie was in fact making big mounds of the sweet goodness and piling it in a garbage bag and stashing it in the house. She ALMOST got away with it!!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I saw him feel left out tonight. I saw a look on his face that broke my heart. The only thing Noah has really ever asked for was to do karate, which his cardiologist said he could not do. After speaking to an instructor at a karate school, he assured me Noah could make a full black belt without ever having contact with anyone, therefore he would be safe. Everything was going great in his class, he has had fun, learned new things and has gained confidence. This was everything karate is suppose to be. Tonight his class began sparring, which is the first time he has ever had it. I wasn't expecting it and neither was Noah. He does not have the gear for it, which I have worried about him feeling left out because of it, but he really does not need it since he will not be fighting. I watched his poor little face turn so sad when the teacher asked them to put their sparring gear on and he had none. He stood on a white star in the middle of the room while everyone else was dismissed. It broke my heart and I began to cry. One of the student teachers asked him why he wasn't sparring and he said, "I can't because of my heart surgery." Again, I cried. Watching him say that made me realize that he will always have these situations in his life, he 'can't'....not wont, not shouldn't....but CAN'T!! I cried more. He looked at the instructor in front of him ready in a sparring stance, him without any protective gear on not sure what was happening, raised his hand in the air and asked if he could use the bathroom. I cried. I asked Gabe to run back there with him to see if he was okay. After awhile of him being away, I ran back there to realize that he was getting sick in the bathroom. I cried. He opens the door with a little tear soaked face and I asked him if we could go outside and talk.
He let me know he was scared someone was going to hurt him, and he hated feeling left out. His instructor met us outside and explained to him that no one was going to hurt him. He felt better after this and seemed very confident going back to class. Once we were home, we talked to him and decided to spend the money on the gear he can wear even though he doesn't need the protection, because the $250.00 it costs is more than worth never seeing that look on his face again.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Bad Hotels behind strip clubs
Condoms in the Elevator
Minnesota- I am homesick. Not for Utah, for Minnesota. I have a very strong belief that I will live there. This is not just a feeling of going somewhere and loving it, it is a feeling that it is where I belong. Seeing Katie is always awesome. I love her too death, even though I have no idea why we 'work'. We are both married to the most amazing men on earth. Yes Gabe, if you read this, I acknowledge the fact that you are nothing less that spectacular. I got a new tattoo, which is pretty fucking fantastic while I was there. It was a quick trip, but worth every minute. All 23 of my mosquito bites couldn't even sway me from my love of the land of 10,000 lakes. Adison is totally in love with little Charli Jane, Sean and Katie' daughter.
Waffles with Ice Cream
I Kissed a Girl
Rum and Coke
I am feeling really lost lately. I truly believe it will take a lot for me to find myself again. I guess the most important thing is that 'I do' find myself one day. I want to, I want to live happily again without self doubt and sadness. I have great things in my life, I just need to realize that I deserve them.