Not knowing where to start, or what to say

Life had really been insane lately.

Noah turned 9 on Sunday, Addie turns 15 tomorrow, and things will never be the same for our family.

How can one 4:00 in the morning phone call change so many lives? I have come to look at life so differently in the past two weeks. I see it as a gift I am lucky to have, yet at the same time, it is so fucking unfair. I am at a loss as to how things work, where you go from here, how to look at things as any other way but fucked up. I literally ache for Mike, Obie and Nikki. I am so sad to see such sorrow brought to a family who has experienced so much already.

I look at my kids and feel I have to remind them everyday that their Aunt Debby loved them for fear one day they will not remember, mainly Zane, since he is so young. He looks at her picture and says, "My Aunt Debby loves me, and I miss her." He really doesn't understand what any of this means, but he hears people talking about her and it is the only response he has. I know for the rest of us there are so many awesome memories that we will always have, but there are times I want a re-do. I want to do things we talked about, even just going out with my friend Jenny for drinks. We thought we had all the time in the world. Why would we think any differently? Jenny and I have definitely become closer from this. We were drifting apart a lot, but we both had so much love for Debby, we have found comfort with each other during this.

I am still in shock I think. I still don't believe it. I can close my eyes and hear the doctor....word for word, say it, but it still has not registered. How can it?

Reminders of Debby-

Margaritas
"It's the best"
Dancing in the kitchen
Taking care of Noah
Stuffing for Thanksgiving
Sunglasses
Crocs
Bringing a flask to dinner to 'spruce up our drinks'
Hippie
Birkenstocks
Particular
Nordstrom
Listening
Chicken Noodle Soup with chicken and celery picked out
Toast cut into 4 squares
"Mmmm kay"
Love, love, so much love!

Love you Aunt Debby!!